tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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