i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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