Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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