Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
