i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
