hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
