it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
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He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
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Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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