If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
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