Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
