I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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