I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
