Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
