The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
