when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
