just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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