she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
