I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
