so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
