If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
