im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
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I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
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My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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