shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
