I'm gonna have a badass scar
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
