Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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