Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
