Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Randomize
