Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
