C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
