I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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