i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
