we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
