Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
