the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
