Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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