Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
