I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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