either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
