I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
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