I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
