in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
