there was a trapeze. enough said
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
