Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
