I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
