i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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