woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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