i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
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Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
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I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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