Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
