Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
last night I used snow as a chaser
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
