Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
