I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize