Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
