this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
