She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
