I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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