just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
