im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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