i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Randomize
