giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
